Today is the seventeenth anniversary of the last day I lived alone. Tomorrow is the seventeenth anniversary of the day my then Present Boyfriend, now Present Husband, moved in with me. Note that we did not “move in together.” I was living alone. He moved in with me. He moved back to Dublin and needed somewhere to live and so he came to stay with me. And I got used to him. Little things like having dinner ready for me when I got home. And I liked having him around. And here we find ourselves. So I would say that a key element in a relationship is having a reckless disregard for your own long-term well-being. But there are many more. Let me share with you the wisdom I have gleaned from years of living with my Present Husband. If this goes down well, I may change career and become some sort of TV relationship guru and, who knows, that might be lucrative. And if other people got something out of it – stranger things have happened – that would be a bonus.
In addition to reckless disregard for your own well-being, a key component of a long and happy relationship is Stockholm Syndrome. Long periods of time in confined spaces – that flat in Rathmines was tiny! there was just the one bathroom, good God, the barbarism! – mean that I have come to identify with my captor and his cause. In his case, the KLF. No, not that KLF. The other KLF. The Kerry Liberation Front. It’s not called The Kingdom for nothing, you know. But the more I ponder it, the more I agree that Kerry should have its independence recognised, be allowed to secede from the Republic and become an autonomous nation.
Also, it’s important to be superficially supportive of hairbrained ideas. For example, my Present Husband has given up coffee and there is now none of it in the house. Not a drop. And I’m a person who likes her caffeinated beverages. But I went along with this. In fact I encouraged it. And so I am “off coffee.” But while in work I have been mainlining coffee like it’s another quite different stimulant more customarily associated with Columbia. But the veneer of propreity in the home is being maintained and I am not deranged from withdrawal, which wouldn’t be good for our relationship either.
So we can further extrapolate that a bit of lying and cheating is in fact a positive thing in the context of a loving relationship.
And, of course, there are Ireland’s strict gun laws, which prohibit fringe loonies like myself from owning any weapon more powerful than an embroidery needle. If my Present Husband and I lived in the US, with its Second Amendment and powerful gun lobby, I suspect our marriage would have taken a different – shorter, more bloody – trajectory.
So that’s it. Cast aside commonsense, adopt all sorts of fruity ideas, occasionally evade the truth and whatever you do, don’t own a gun.
The more I ponder all of this, the more I wonder how Dr Phil has his own TV series and I do not. Is it just that he got pally with Oprah? Or is it that he’s bald? Because I could certainly work on cosying up with Oprah. First, though, I think I will work affecting a more homespun accent so that y’all can have a greater appreciation of the wisdom that I am proposin.’ How’s that workin’ for ya?