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Archive for August, 2011

I can’t confess to a proper understanding of how it came about.  But somehow I own a smartphone.   Some ineluctable force brought together the unrelated events of me losing my phone and my camera dying.  Although it’s important to clarify that no celestial energy on its own can make those events into a smartphone in the mind of an unreconstructed luddite.  I suppose the fatal detail that drew these disparate impulses into one, as is often the case in history,  was the special offer.  Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon river in 49AD only because he was offered unlimited any network texts.  The Muslim commander Tariq ibn Ziyad ordered his troops to burn their boats upon landing on the Iberian peninsula in 711AD only for a better data allowance.  But it turned out the network coverage was terrible.

And so I find myself with a smartphone. And this is what I now know.

1. The Dow Jones is up 2.11%.

2. It is 27 degrees and raining in Mumbai, where it’s  now two o’clock tomorrow morning.

3. Smartphones are catnip for children, and my experience in this area has not be an unqualified success. It has in fact been a highly qualified failure.

4. I should wipe sunblock off my hands before I touch the screen.

5. I am facing north-north east.

6. The alarm on my phone is not as smart as my old one and I have been late for work more times than a “smart” phone should allow a non-smart person to be.

7.  The camera is, I will concede, an all-too-brilliant 8 megapixel affair which will burn your retinas with its vibrant hues.

8. I had to download apps for stuff that previous phones did, just because some thought they should but has since changed their mind.  For example, a stopwatch.  And it’s not even as good as the one on my old phone.  When did a ‘feature’ become an ‘app’?

9.  The battery life is appalling.  There are consumptive heroines of Victorian melodramas with more energy.

And, finally…

10.  Universal USB charger my a*se!!!

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