I’m nothing if not helpful.
There’s really no point in just sitting down and complaining about the state of our economy. It’s time to get off our collective backsides and do something. I suggested previously how we might torch Anglo Irish Bank premises to make some quick cash. Ingenious, I think you’ll agree. Don’t fear, though, that I am a one-trick pony as far as economic stimuli are concerned. I have, in fact, a fund of creative and innovative ideas to get the ball rolling and stimulate the hell out of our economy.
Tourism: Invite fact-finding missions to come and observe us. Economists could come and study how we got into this mess and have a bit of a giggle at our ideas to get out of it. Psychologists could study how on earth a race with the world’s highest per capita consumption of tea could have been persuaded to spend nearly a fiver on a feeble latte. Fans of the British Empire could be invited to just walk around tut-tutting at the state of the place.
Film Industry: Make zombie estates around the country available to film companies who needs sets for futuristic, postapocalyptic, dystopian dramas. Kurt Russell could probably shoot the forthcoming blockbuster “Escape from Ireland” entirely within a two mile radius of Kinnegad.
TV: “Fair City” should be shown five times a day, every day. There would be work for unemployed actors taking on all the new topical characters – the guy who reposesses 4x4s, the suddenly very busy shoe repair guy et al. Unemployed carpenters could also be employed to make backdrops for all the new premises that spring up around Carrigstown – the Lidl, the Social Welfare Office, the Cash for Go ld shop and so on.
Manufacturing: Open a factory that sells voodoo dolls bearing the likeness of politicians and senior banking figures. This would have the ancillary benefit of stimulating the needle industry.
Construction Industry: Build public stocks. (Self-explanatory)
Also, we could retro-fit zombie hotels to turn them into prisons for when heads start to roll over this mess. *
Service Sector: Hire astrologers and other new age types to determine the best direction for our economic policy. They couldn’t do any worse that the people in charge now, their dress sense is better and it would be a laugh.
Set up mini-counselling booths on street corners (or we could house them in unused retail units in cold weather) for members of the public to rant about how we are all doomed. We wouldn’t have to employ real counsellors, of course. Anyone thick-skinned person with time on their hands would do. I can imagine plenty of estate agents would fit that description right now.
Well, there it is. My economic stimulus package. I can hear the green shoots sprouting already.
I’m busy at the moment with work and the kids, so the Nobel people would have to mail me the cheque for my prize in Economics. I’m not doing it for the money, of course. It’s mostly just for the glamour. And because, like I said, I’m helpful.
* There will be no investigations, much less any arrests, and no heads will roll. This one was a red herring to see who amongst you was paying attention. Sorry.
Remember that famous line of Princess Diana’s? She gazed all doe-eyed and vulnerable at us and said “there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.” Well, that’s what it’s like in our house. Except it’s not Camilla, of course. There’s me, my Present Husband and our recently arrived cohabitee, Brian Lenihan, Minister for Finance. And let me tell you he is a high maintenance partner in our relationship. Quite intrusive. Such are the conversations that my Present Husband and I now have: