Archive for April, 2011

Anaemia is a misunderstood condition.  I am a late and reluctant convert to its cause. But it has an upside.  First and most important, anaemia gives the skin a lovely pale quality that teenage goths spend a fortune trying to get from makeup.  Anaemics can be disgruntled goths for free.  Neglecting your iron-intake costs nothing.  If the goth look isn’t your thing – and I don’t blame you, the black wardrobe is wildly impractical in the summer – and you are female, you can let your hair grow out and cultivate a pre-Raphaelite quality.   Assuming your hair is worth growing, that is.   The blood count might dictate otherwise.  Regardless of which look you choose, it’s important to stay on the pale-and-windswept side of anaemia.  So you need to arrest the decline of your blood count before jaundice sets in and you merely look yellow, haggard and ashen.

Furthermore, the shortness of breath that comes with anaemia will give you the feeling of being a breathy cinematic heroine, a sort of thinking man’s Marilyn Monroe.  (You may regard the “thinking man” bit as optional, that’s fine) Everything you say will take on the ethereal delicacy of a latter-day Kate Bush. If you can also get an increased heart rate going, you can persuade yourself you are a passionate, tortured artist with a tempest in your soul.

The poor concentration and forgetfulness that often accompany anaemia can also be your friend if you care to embrace them.  Letting responsibilities haemorrhage out of your mind – if you forgive the unfortunate blood-related metaphor – will cause you to feel a sense of purposefulness and achievement that you would otherwise find unsustainable.  A new carefree, strident you will emerge phoenix-like from your iron-deficient ashes.  I can quite confidently confirm that allowing vast chunks of information to leak out of my mind has been the making of me.  It’s possible that those around me have expressed objections, but I can remember.

Finally, and possibly most significant if you are a bit of a deadbeat, is that anaemia causes the effects of alcohol to become greatly exaggerated.  If heretofore it took five glasses of wine for you to produce witticisms and bon mots of Oscar Wilde proportions, the new anaemic you will be able to accomplish this with at most two.  Dorothy Parker said, “one more drink and I’ll be under the host.”  Your motto will be, “just one drink and I’ll be the new Dorothy Parker.”  And, encouragingly, it doesn’t even need to be good wine.  Pretty much any old gargle will do.   It’s very much in keeping with the spirit of the recession, too,  I feel to go for maximum impact with minimum outlay.   Remember that just because you are tired and run down, there ‘s no reason why you can’t do your bit for economic recovery.  There I go again.  I start off trying to find an upside to anaemia and end up dispensing advice on how to weather our economic crisis.  George S. Patton said ” a pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.”  In fact, I would argue that a pint of blood saves a bottle of wine.


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