Archive for October, 2011

There has been a lot of muck-raking in the presidential election.  My campaign is still in its infancy.  In fact, I have no policy platform at all, just a strong desire to live in a nice house with staff. You can be assured of my strong convictions on that score at least.   But rather than have my campaign side-tracked by minutiae, I thought I’d  get all my muck out in the open in one go.  Prepare to be shocked.

1. I’ve had two speeding tickets.   One was for speeding in a twelve-year-old Nissan Micra.  Yes, I’m as shocked as you are.

2. When I lived in Germany, I occasionally rode the underground trains without buying a ticket.  My excuse was that as a native Irish person I was utterly bamboozled by a properly functioning, highly efficient and completely integrated public transport infrastructure.  You can see how it would take a bit of getting used to.

3. I have four overdue books from the local public library. I can’t help it.  There’s no parking nearby.

4. I have occasionally told people I have no babysitter when in fact I do, just to get out of going to something I don’t want to attend.

5. In a previous job, I told a client that a series of numskull mistakes I’d made had been made by a temp.  We’d never had one.

6. When I worked in a hotel kitchen, I was told to wash the lettuce by swirling it gently in a sink and then patting it dry.  I used to turn a power hose on it.  Who cares that much about lettuce?

7. When I worked as a chambermaid, if I was feeling lazy I didn’t always strip the beds.  And, since I am in a confessional mode, sorry to the guy who left the lovely box of Swiss chocolates open. But, really, what did you expect?

8. I used to walk around with earphones on but with no sound coming through them, just because I was tired and cranky and wanted to be left alone.

9. I used to tell people I hadn’t called them back because I had no credit in my phone.  I’m on a tariff.

10.  I had crushes on several actors in Falcon Crest.

11. I have a crush now on John Stewart of The Daily Show.  One of my reasons for wanting to be president is so he might ask me on his show.  I can tell you it wouldn’t be much of an interview, though – him asking incisive, cogent questions about modern Ireland, the peace process, Irish-American relations in the context of the 21st global economy etc; me drooling like a Basset Hound.  Ratings death, but possibly a sleeper hit on YouTube.

There you have it.  All the skeletons in my closet are well and truly aired out.  Very cathartic.  Not too damaging to the campaign, I hope.  I think the Irish electorate has the sophistication and nous to distinguish between minor infractions such as those listed above and grievous errors of judgement like being a member of Sinn Fein or having appeared on Celebrity Jigs and Reels.


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